Most days, my normal life of self-reflection is tranquil and without stress. I’m less prone to anger and anxiety than when I had a full-time job. I eagerly begin my day, setting and achieving my own goals. Occasionally, detours arise, as when my father needed surgery and I had to care for my mother at home, but I recognize these as temporary. My life will always resume its autonomy.
Last year, while attending a birthday celebration, I had an unpleasant conversation with someone whose political views were different from my own. It was obvious she’d just copied what she had heard elsewhere, and I was disturbed that she chose me as her target. It made the stress and anger I felt even more prominent. People’s tendency to parrot what they hear without forming their own opinions bewilders me.
I shared the incident with my like-minded friends who were shocked and baffled at the robotic attitude. Even though I attempted to move on after a month, I couldn’t help but still be angered when I thought about it.
Learning to Look at a Different Side
My mother has been diagnosed with mid-stage dementia in the last few months after my father had been concealing her symptoms. Had her condition been identified earlier, she may have had the opportunity to receive treatment. Now, she is uncooperative and denies having any issues.
When my mother switches to one of her darker moods, I view her behavior as merely a collection of symptoms. This isn’t the mother I grew up with. To cope with her symptoms, I don’t become angry or frustrated. Instead, I either agree with her or ignore some of her comments, so she doesn’t think I’m her enemy. An outsider wouldn’t recognize these as symptoms of a disease and would assume this is just the way she is.
Taking A Second Look
After discussing my mother’s dementia with others, I discovered the woman who had politically accosted me was also suffering from memory loss and aggression. This made me reconsider the encounter – understanding it was dementia and not her true self that I had met. My mother and her family are now seeking the help they need to manage her symptoms.
At the time, I had no way of knowing she was exhibiting symptoms of her illness. My response was the only thing that mattered; I chose to not react. Though it may not work in most cases, I believe the best way to respond to someone exhibiting anger and obstinance is to be kind and deflect. There’s a wall up; nothing I can do or say will change their minds.
It took me months to recognize that I shouldn’t be angry at someone else’s actions. Since I cannot control anyone but myself, I had to focus on my reaction rather than what was done. After being hurt due to someone else’s choices, I have gained the wisdom to take a step back and observe the situation, although it came at a cost of my mother’s health.
Written February 3, 2020.
